|Danger writings of tormented mind. DO NOT READ
||[Feb. 15th, 2006|01:10 am]
|||||Tainted Love M.M.||]|
I am having a very hard time with this divorce, with my life and making it through each day. I don't know when I am way off base or when I have appropriate feelings or thoughts. I would ask that friends of mine that read kalyani4anada 's blog do not discuss it with me. I have very confused feelings in that arena right now. I think that I love her and yet i don't act that way. She does not act that way toward me. I need to come to terms with who I am again. I have lost myself along the way. My perceptions are very distorted sometimes and perhaps most times. Codependecy is a very crippling condition. I have it in full measure.
I have had no boundries for quite sometime. Perhaps I never have had very good ones. I don't know what is ok for me to do or not to do. I don't know how to tell someone that what they are doing is acceptable or not because I don't know. I know I have learned to ask if something is accaptable with someone else and respect that more of late.
I am afraid. I dont' know if I will ever get better most of the time. My whole life has been this way. My parents did not have boundries only harsh retribution if you pissed one of them off. I never learned what it was to have disipline growing up and today I am a huge slob. I am tring to get a grip on that one as the anwser is fairly clear. With boundires though it is not clear. I am sure that I have gone through life being abusive to people and letting abusive people into my space because I know no other way...
I of course am who she was refering to in her blog. I called and cussed at her for a precived wrong. I get to decide today if I am being wronged or not. My choices may be strang to some people but they are mine. I am drawing the lines of what is ok for Jackie today because no one else will. If you feel like it is your job you are wrong. (not pointed at anyone here. most of this rant is for me)
I was wrong in retaliating at a precived wrong to her. I should have confronted her in a ractional way and explained where I was coming from. I was being abusive for sure. I am learning where those lines are and I am learning to stay in them (i hope :) ).
If you belive in a god or gods pray for me. I don't have any and don't want one. So don't come and evangilize to me or you will get that FU that she got and that is a hard line for me right now. I don't want any part of a god that creates things this fragile and flawed. If I am child of god then he/she needs to learn what the fuck they are doing. But nice thoughts in your prayers could not hurt.
I am leaving the stock baby image on this post because I feel like I behaved like a child today. And the worse part is Shana acts better than I do and she is only 4. Well I ahve quit spitting on people so maybe I have one thing on her in the maturity department.
If you don't want to read stuff like this take me off your friends list I will be heartbroken but understand... Really
When you're hurting, you'll do things that surprise even you. I have lashed out at ex's and in all honesty, it may be immature and wrong, but I wanted them to know that I was hurt and they had some level of responsibility in that.
Once I was done with my rant, I never spoke, followed, or otherwise bothered them ever again. I figured it was ....almost fair. I got it all off my chest and they understood I was angry and upset but never had to deal with it again.
There are no set rules or guidelines for when you get hurt or heartbroken and I've been through it enough to know. The only actions I could control were my own and I decided that to a certain extent, I had the right to feel hurt or upset. I did not have the right to be violent or try to hurt them as much as they had hurt me.
I do not consider myself a deeply religious person but I'm slightly confused by your statement. You blame god(s) for how this turned out? How weird. Is that easier to blame a higher power than look at the relationship itself?
Usually when I am heartbroken and I will say it - dumped, I don't think a high power had anything to do with it. This is solely how humans establish and end relationships. Completely human. All too human; all too painful. I will pray for you if you think it'll help but blaming a higher power when it doesn't work out....usually means that it was something a bit too human and easier to blame something else than look at the relationship itself.
This is all guessing. I'm not a psychologist or anything. I hope you're not too offended by it. I do know what it is to be heartbroken and I've even watched ex's flirt and even come on to other women in front of me. I let them because I trusted them and cared for them. It was misplaced and I learned from it and life goes on....
Hope you feel better soon. I will pray for you because I think you need it and I'm hoping I read that right.
I'm not removing you from my friend's list.
Thanks for commenting. I see what you mean. I did not reread my post I wanted to come out the way it came out at the time not an edited for mass consumption version but something I could reflect on. I suppose i was jabing at those that might be feeling like "this would be a great time to evangilize to Jack". I have no concept of a God. I don't have anything to blame. I accept full responsibility for my actions. It was me who decide to cuss at K. It was me who decided to get into and stay in a relationship that I knew would not work.
As I said last night I have a Faulty Boundry System. I must get in good working order for me to be truely happy on a long term basis.
I hope you are well. I miss all my friends down in Austin and will have to do something to remedy that soon.