|Karma is a motherf$#@%^
||[Jan. 1st, 2006|09:01 pm]
I got a taste of Karma today. I have to say I don't like it a bit.|
So background... Kalyani and I are breaking up. I know I can't believe it quite yet either. She has had enough of feeling the way I make her feel. Read her blog for more info on that. But today I got a taste of how I suspect she must feel sometimes.
I am not taking it well to say the very least. I miss her every minute. I have been having some bouts of crying/sobbing uncontrollably mixed with grief and sadness, even a little anger. All mixed up with a a health dose of anxiety but today I had the mother of all anxiety attacks. At least that is what I would call it. I was in the middle of my fear funk pretty heavy and had to go to the store for shoes (my boss decided to rail on me friday about my shoes again). I have this shortness of breath thing going and my chest feels like someone is sitting on it. But when I get out of the car I realize that I am afraid of everything. I think cars are going to run over me, I am afraid of everyone that I come across. Try to avoid all human contact at Wal-Mart! I can't get within five feet of anyone because I am afraid they will touch me. I am avoiding little kids. I can't look anyone in the eye and all the while the fear is getting worse. I am sniveling again in short gasp. I find my shoes (Never tried them on) and start toward the front of the store. I realize that I am hugging the shoe box like a teddy bear, using it as a shield to prevent anyone from coming to close. I realize that I need a padlock for my storage room as I had cut it off last I was there and the owner had put one of his on and to get it off I need to put one on of mine. So lock in hand I continue to the checkout avoiding everyone and thinking that if they touch me that I will start bleeding or something. It is very hard to explain that sensation it was if every nerve in my body was raw and the panic!
I knew that I had to do what I was there for. I have made promises that I must keep. I can't afford to slip up here to much depends on it. "S" for one must be kept from this horrible scene and she comes back at the end of the week. I think my own sanity may hang in the balance of accomplishing this task. I feel that I must be responsible this one time to prove to myself that I am still capable and that I can still do something in this world that is good for me. I know that much of this will pass. I need to process these feelings and let them be.
I have seen her shaking with fear nd did not really believe that it was real. I thought that perhaps it was like a kid putting on an act to get out of trouble. I had no idea that someone could be so paralyzed with fear - unrealistic fear had brought me almost to the point where I could not go into a store. I will always have a respect for those going through emotionally difficult situations from now on. Growing up and discovering the billions of other people in this world are as real as I is hard at 42.
I said that I would take what ever i got from this relationship when it started. I knew that some of my days would be more beautiful for having known her and they were. S proved to be the bonus I never expected. Will I be the same person next year that I am today? I hope not because I do think that I could stand to be with myself if I were.
I hope that I will post here with a bit more regularity in the future. I need to write this down lest I try to forget.
Peace and love to you my friends if you still call me that. Peace and love to you if you don't.