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a girl's dream [Aug. 2nd, 2006|09:39 am]
[mood |hornyhorny]

Warning the following post is of a graphic nature.
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borrowed from thenakedredhead [Apr. 11th, 2006|11:01 am]
You scored 66% Experience, 81% Adventurousness, 82% Kinkyness, and 66% Corrupt!
You have definitly found your way to pleasure. You know what you like and continue to do it. Do not hesitate to continue to push your limits. Do not get stuck only doing what is comfortable. Sometimes we learn the most about ourselves when we push ourselves harder and further on the journey to self discovery.

Please remember to rank my test. Thank You

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online dating free online dating
You scored higher than 94% on Experience

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You scored higher than 95% on Adventurousness

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You scored higher than 95% on Kinkyness

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You scored higher than 94% on Corruption
Link: The Sexual Experimentation Test written by LadyLilithDreams on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test
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(no subject) [Apr. 11th, 2006|09:56 am]
I sit at the counter worn from years of scrubbing and countless cups of coffee slid across it's surface. The early spring morning is ripe and gently making it's presence known through the open door. People are talking all around me and I am unaware of their conversations. Lust for this day has taken me fully and I am slowly taking all she has to offer. The warm smells of coffee and re-fried beans, the dampness in the cool air. I am aware of the birds singing somewhere off in the distance and I wonder if they feel the love that is here or if it is just for me. Unbroken by thought of my day I eat my eggs and the tortilla that a woman barely more than a girl has brought me and I know she feels it too. There is no tenseness in the air to disturb what is happening. All of the workers help each other it is part of what I like about this place. It is family and I am a part for fifteen minutes, doing my part of making this what it is today, just for right now, knowing that later I will be replaced and it will continue and the love will be experienced by someone else. The warm smell of patchouli wakens me from my dream as a woman walks to the counter to pay and reminds me that my time here is done and I am grateful for it.
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Danger writings of tormented mind. DO NOT READ [Feb. 15th, 2006|01:10 am]
[mood |crazycrazy]
[music |Tainted Love M.M.]

I am having a very hard time with this divorce, with my life and making it through each day. I don't know when I am way off base or when I have appropriate feelings or thoughts. I would ask that friends of mine that read kalyani4anada 's blog do not discuss it with me. I have very confused feelings in that arena right now. I think that I love her and yet i don't act that way. She does not act that way toward me. I need to come to terms with who I am again. I have lost myself along the way. My perceptions are very distorted sometimes and perhaps most times. Codependecy is a very crippling condition. I have it in full measure.

I have had no boundries for quite sometime. Perhaps I never have had very good ones. I don't know what is ok for me to do or not to do. I don't know how to tell someone that what they are doing is acceptable or not because I don't know. I know I have learned to ask if something is accaptable with someone else and respect that more of late.

I am afraid. I dont' know if I will ever get better most of the time. My whole life has been this way. My parents did not have boundries only harsh retribution if you pissed one of them off. I never learned what it was to have disipline growing up and today I am a huge slob. I am tring to get a grip on that one as the anwser is fairly clear. With boundires though it is not clear. I am sure that I have gone through life being abusive to people and letting abusive people into my space because I know no other way...

I of course am who she was refering to in her blog. I called and cussed at her for a precived wrong. I get to decide today if I am being wronged or not. My choices may be strang to some people but they are mine. I am drawing the lines of what is ok for Jackie today because no one else will. If you feel like it is your job you are wrong. (not pointed at anyone here. most of this rant is for me)

I was wrong in retaliating at a precived wrong to her. I should have confronted her in a ractional way and explained where I was coming from. I was being abusive for sure. I am learning where those lines are and I am learning to stay in them (i hope :) ).

If you belive in a god or gods pray for me. I don't have any and don't want one. So don't come and evangilize to me or you will get that FU that she got and that is a hard line for me right now. I don't want any part of a god that creates things this fragile and flawed. If I am child of god then he/she needs to learn what the fuck they are doing. But nice thoughts in your prayers could not hurt.

I am leaving the stock baby image on this post because I feel like I behaved like a child today. And the worse part is Shana acts better than I do and she is only 4. Well I ahve quit spitting on people so maybe I have one thing on her in the maturity department.

If you don't want to read stuff like this take me off your friends list I will be heartbroken but understand... Really
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Please pass on by unless you want to hear me whine. [Jan. 16th, 2006|05:48 pm]
This will be as close to a real journal entry as any I have posted. So please scroll on down. :)
I am having one of the worst days ever. Nothing bad has happened. No deaths in the family. But I feel worse about myself(without being in the middle of an emotional roller coaster) than I have in a long time. I am co-dependent. I swap rolls, sometimes I am the needy one but more often I try to fix other people. I have know this for a long time and when I take care of myself I am capable of staying out of the behavior, but get me in a relationship with another like me and I can really take off. This one with K has been that way. Anyway today I needed to pickup something from her garage. I had known I needed all weekend and could have gotten it but I sit in a funk at my apartment instead. She had asked me not to call when she was caring for S. A simple enough request and a fair one. So I kept it to the point and asked permission to enter the garage to get the tools.

K asked me if there were cables around for the TV I left for them. I had taken them with me as they were mine. She did not know how to hook up the TV so I said that just get the component cables and a pair of audio cables. Easy enough for me but she did not know what I meant. I told her they are color coded so they are easy to hook up. So anyway, I finally said I would go to get some and drop them off. Then she told me(or perhaps it was before) that her friend Kim whom she was buying a washer and dryer from had decided to buy her new ones at Frye's instead of Best Buy. K had taken a $500 gift card from me to buy the used washer and dryer from her friend(now not needed). I had offered cash or the gift card, but given the choice I preferred that she take the gift card. Now she tells me that she has this gift card that she can't use. I understand that it is probably irksome for her but she made the choice. I must say that she NEVER said any of this was my fault. But being the good codependent that I am I took all the blame and responsibility for these actions. Now in hindsight I see my disease in action. She had a $500 gift card. Go to Best Buy and get some cables and a Universal remote and put them on. Ask for help if it is confusing. I don't think if she had asked for help figuring out the wires or programing the new remote that I would have felt the same. HELL I considered hooking up the other TV before I left. I am just seeing both of us behave in our disease even when we are separated. All be it a very mundane way. No big deal, no one got yelled at or hit but I made myself feel the way I always do Not through my actions but through my inaction. I accept all responsibility for how I feel right now.

If you read this I refuse to take any responsibility for how you may be feeling. I have my own to learn to contend with and refuse to take on anyone else's today. :P

Love and Peace
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Ok the other one was kinda depressing. So now for something diffrent [Jan. 1st, 2006|09:25 pm]
Synopsis: This behavior most likely appears at
times of extreme frustration. It may involve
you banging your head on the corner of a desk,
or on something hand-held (like a book, for
example). You are nave and very sensitive to
the comments of others, and things happening
around you.
Positive trait: Sensitive
Negative trait: Overly-trusting
Color: Lavender
Emotion: Loneliness
Animal: Mouse
Quote: My power over you grows stronger yet.

What form of self-mutilation are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

K I was going to tell you last Tuesday that I had caught myself doing that again in the car but, then well you remember.
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Karma is a motherf$#@%^ [Jan. 1st, 2006|09:01 pm]
I got a taste of Karma today. I have to say I don't like it a bit.

So background... Kalyani and I are breaking up. I know I can't believe it quite yet either. She has had enough of feeling the way I make her feel. Read her blog for more info on that. But today I got a taste of how I suspect she must feel sometimes.

I am not taking it well to say the very least. I miss her every minute. I have been having some bouts of crying/sobbing uncontrollably mixed with grief and sadness, even a little anger. All mixed up with a a health dose of anxiety but today I had the mother of all anxiety attacks. At least that is what I would call it. I was in the middle of my fear funk pretty heavy and had to go to the store for shoes (my boss decided to rail on me friday about my shoes again). I have this shortness of breath thing going and my chest feels like someone is sitting on it. But when I get out of the car I realize that I am afraid of everything. I think cars are going to run over me, I am afraid of everyone that I come across. Try to avoid all human contact at Wal-Mart! I can't get within five feet of anyone because I am afraid they will touch me. I am avoiding little kids. I can't look anyone in the eye and all the while the fear is getting worse. I am sniveling again in short gasp. I find my shoes (Never tried them on) and start toward the front of the store. I realize that I am hugging the shoe box like a teddy bear, using it as a shield to prevent anyone from coming to close. I realize that I need a padlock for my storage room as I had cut it off last I was there and the owner had put one of his on and to get it off I need to put one on of mine. So lock in hand I continue to the checkout avoiding everyone and thinking that if they touch me that I will start bleeding or something. It is very hard to explain that sensation it was if every nerve in my body was raw and the panic!

I knew that I had to do what I was there for. I have made promises that I must keep. I can't afford to slip up here to much depends on it. "S" for one must be kept from this horrible scene and she comes back at the end of the week. I think my own sanity may hang in the balance of accomplishing this task. I feel that I must be responsible this one time to prove to myself that I am still capable and that I can still do something in this world that is good for me. I know that much of this will pass. I need to process these feelings and let them be.

I have seen her shaking with fear nd did not really believe that it was real. I thought that perhaps it was like a kid putting on an act to get out of trouble. I had no idea that someone could be so paralyzed with fear - unrealistic fear had brought me almost to the point where I could not go into a store. I will always have a respect for those going through emotionally difficult situations from now on. Growing up and discovering the billions of other people in this world are as real as I is hard at 42.

I said that I would take what ever i got from this relationship when it started. I knew that some of my days would be more beautiful for having known her and they were. S proved to be the bonus I never expected. Will I be the same person next year that I am today? I hope not because I do think that I could stand to be with myself if I were.

I hope that I will post here with a bit more regularity in the future. I need to write this down lest I try to forget.

Peace and love to you my friends if you still call me that. Peace and love to you if you don't.
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NRE [Dec. 7th, 2005|03:26 pm]
[mood |lovedloved]
[music |Old dogs, and children Tom T. Hall]

Yesterday I realized that I was still in the throws of that most awful of thought process, NRE. Many say that it will cloud your ability to think and make you do stupid things but in this case I believe that it is a growing experience. The NRE that I experienced yesterday was with my stepdaughter. Before you get out the torches wait!

We went to get a Christmas tree yesterday at Lowes. After paying for our purchase I grabbed the tree by the trunk and proceeded to carry it to the truck. Sensing my over exertion or perhaps just wanting a little spotlight she put the trunk of the tree on her shoulder (carrying nothing, but looking like she was dragging it herself) and wrapped her arm around it to help.

Hummph...What a kid every time that she starts to get on your nerves she does something so cute and endearing that you can't help but love her more.
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Stolen from thenakedredhead [Dec. 2nd, 2005|11:02 am]
Your soul came from the Bowels of HELL! You're a
demon preying on the mortals of Earth. BACK TO

Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla
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Sincere Crazyness [Dec. 2nd, 2005|10:44 am]
[mood |stressedstressed]

Wow I wish life were a bit more sedate at the moment. We had a flood at the house no big deal 12,000 in damages or so. No big deal that is what insurance is for, but if that is the case why did we only get a check for 3300. Pig fu....(Last rant deleted by the Blog Police.)

Anyway, I am sure that it will be ok. We got the fans out of our house, got to move back in (did I forget that we had to move to a hotel for a week?) we replaced the carpets. I think that it is called insurance because they insure even more insanity than you should have experienced all for a mere 3000 dollars a year.

Life will settle back down I am sure and we will have the house fixed eventually. It just seems to be a bit chaotic just now. I think Kalyani and I could really do with a little boredom. But on the other hand New Years is on a Saturday this year and we won't have S...

Hmmm sounds like a great time for a party. :) Gotta break in the new carpet sometime.
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