|Please pass on by unless you want to hear me whine.
||[Jan. 16th, 2006|05:48 pm]
This will be as close to a real journal entry as any I have posted. So please scroll on down. :)|
I am having one of the worst days ever. Nothing bad has happened. No deaths in the family. But I feel worse about myself(without being in the middle of an emotional roller coaster) than I have in a long time. I am co-dependent. I swap rolls, sometimes I am the needy one but more often I try to fix other people. I have know this for a long time and when I take care of myself I am capable of staying out of the behavior, but get me in a relationship with another like me and I can really take off. This one with K has been that way. Anyway today I needed to pickup something from her garage. I had known I needed all weekend and could have gotten it but I sit in a funk at my apartment instead. She had asked me not to call when she was caring for S. A simple enough request and a fair one. So I kept it to the point and asked permission to enter the garage to get the tools.
K asked me if there were cables around for the TV I left for them. I had taken them with me as they were mine. She did not know how to hook up the TV so I said that just get the component cables and a pair of audio cables. Easy enough for me but she did not know what I meant. I told her they are color coded so they are easy to hook up. So anyway, I finally said I would go to get some and drop them off. Then she told me(or perhaps it was before) that her friend Kim whom she was buying a washer and dryer from had decided to buy her new ones at Frye's instead of Best Buy. K had taken a $500 gift card from me to buy the used washer and dryer from her friend(now not needed). I had offered cash or the gift card, but given the choice I preferred that she take the gift card. Now she tells me that she has this gift card that she can't use. I understand that it is probably irksome for her but she made the choice. I must say that she NEVER said any of this was my fault. But being the good codependent that I am I took all the blame and responsibility for these actions. Now in hindsight I see my disease in action. She had a $500 gift card. Go to Best Buy and get some cables and a Universal remote and put them on. Ask for help if it is confusing. I don't think if she had asked for help figuring out the wires or programing the new remote that I would have felt the same. HELL I considered hooking up the other TV before I left. I am just seeing both of us behave in our disease even when we are separated. All be it a very mundane way. No big deal, no one got yelled at or hit but I made myself feel the way I always do Not through my actions but through my inaction. I accept all responsibility for how I feel right now.
If you read this I refuse to take any responsibility for how you may be feeling. I have my own to learn to contend with and refuse to take on anyone else's today. :P
Love and Peace